Everyone is struggling with something

I was struggling when I went out today. The whole time, I had a knot in my throat and was fighting back tears. I have been so sad recently about several things, but no one noticed. I didn’t want them to notice.

I drove slow, lost in thought, and walked slow trying to keep my composure. I barely squeaked out a ‘hi’ at the cash register. My eyes were glued to the floor, nervously rubbing my hands together as she scanned my groceries. Quietly said thank you after the transaction, grabbed my 2 bags and left.

After I got in the car, a little girl walked past and announced to her mom excitedly “I want to have triplets!!”

I fell apart.

I want to be a mom so much it hurts. At 42 years old, it is unlikely to happen. I know adoption is available, but I don’t have that kind of money. And I selfishly want at least one of my own, to see how they turn out…more like me or their dad, what parts of me they’ll carry, and so on. This is one of the things that has weighed heavy on my heart. I cried the whole drive home. No one ever noticed.

If someone had challenged me about anything, I would have cried, or snapped at them out of frustration. I’ve done both in the past. I am not proud of myself when it’s the latter. These days I find myself trudging through life just hoping people will think of that when I do snap, and understand I am not intentionally mean, I am just broken.